My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
