Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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