i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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