i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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