so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
