woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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