the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
