I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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