I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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