If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
