First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
