i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How does it feel to date your dad?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
