then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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