We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
