He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
