fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
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I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
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He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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