i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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