Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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