i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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