I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
