im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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