so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
