I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
there's paper in my vomit.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
