i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
