If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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