I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
