My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
