Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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