by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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