tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
