I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
