i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
