Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
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Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
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Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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