I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
