I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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