He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
