He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
