So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
