so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
