before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
