Cold hands, warm shart.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
