I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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