Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
