I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
