well I can't set my house on fire every night
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
third nipple confirmed
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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