I wish my penis had an off switch
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
