If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
