Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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