I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
