Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
