Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
