There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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