I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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