Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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