they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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