thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
