Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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